At the excited suggestion of one of my mentors, I've been reading the dismally little-known but incredibly talented, "bewitched genius" (Newsweek) Robert Walser, the Swiss-German writer whose uncanny way of looking at the world and metaphysical modernism was a precursor and an inspiration to historical and modern writers alike, all the way from Kafka and Christian Morgenstern to Max Goldt and W.G. Sebald. Regarding Walser, the lauded Herman Hesse put it simply: "If he had a hundred thousand readers, the world would be a better place."
What's refreshing about Walser (and there's a lot that's refreshing about Walser) is he seems to be equally at home and adept at writing three page flash fiction fables or anecdotes as he does writing longer stories and novels, which makes reading him at times a triple-layered experience, as each form presents a different style and a different way of storytelling and as a result a different emotional response from the reader. It's quite chameleonic and markedly different from many contemporary writers, who seem grounded in one form, one style--hell, even one story--and wary of veering away from that.
This short piece is the entirety of a story entitled "Nervous", a one paragraph block of interiority and slightly altered repetitive thoughts, a determined and flawed declaration of self, a tender, honest, and fragile introspection of aging:
"I am a little worn out, raddled, squashed, downtrodden, shot full of holes. Mortars have mortared me to bits. I am a little crumbly, decaying, yes, yes.I am sinking and drying up a little. I am a bit scalded and scorched, yes, yes. That's what it does to you. That's life. I am not old, not in the least, certainly I am not eighty, by no means, but I am not sixteen anymore either. Quite definitely I am a bit old and used up. That's what it does to you. I am decaying a little, and I am crumbling, peeling a little. That's life. Am I a little bit over the hill? Hmm! Maybe. But that doesn't make me eighty, not by a long way. I am very tough, I can vouch for that. I am no longer young, but I am not old yet, definitely not. I am aging, fading a little, but that doesn't matter; I am not yet altogether old, though I am probably a little nervous and over the hill. It's natural that one should crumble a bit with the passage of time, but that doesn't matter. I am not very nervous, to be sure, I just have a few grouches. Sometimes I am a bit weird and grouchy, but that doesn't mean I am altogether lost, I hope. I don't propose to hope that I am lost, for I repeat, I am uncommonly hard and tough. I am holding out and holding on. I am fairly fearless. But nervous I am, a little, undoubtedly I am, very probably I am, possibly I am a little nervous. I hope that I am a little nervous. No, I don't hope so, one doesn't hope for such things, but i am afraid so, yes, afraid so. Fear is more appropriate here than hope, no doubt about it. But I certainly am not fear-stricken, that I might be nervous, quite definitely not. I have grouches, but I am not afraid of the grouches. They inspire me with no fear at all. 'You are nervous,' someone might tell me, and I would reply cold-bloodedly, 'My dear sir, I know that quite well, I know that I am little worn out and nervous.' And I would smile, very nobly and coolly, while saying this, which would perhaps annoy this other person a little. A person who refrains from getting annoyed is not yet lost. If I do not get annoyed about my nerves, then undoubtedly I still have good nerves, it's clear as daylight, and illuminating. It dawns on me that I have grouches, that I am a little nervous, but it dawns on me in equal measure that I am cold-blooded, which makes me uncommonly glad, and that I am blithe in spirit, although I am aging a little, crumbling and fading, which is quite natural and something I therefore understand very well. "You are nervous," someone might come up to me and say. 'Yes, I am uncommonly nervous,' would be my reply, and secretly I would laugh at the big lie. "We are all a little nervous," I would perhaps say and laugh at the big truth. If a person can still laugh, he is not yet entirely nervous, if a person can keep calm when he hears some distress he is not yet entirely nervous. Or if someone came up to me and said: 'Oh, you are totally nervous ,' then quite simply I would reply in nice polite terms: 'Oh, I am totally nervous, I know I am.' And the matter would be closed. Grouches, grouches, one must have them, and one must have the courage to live with them. That's the nicest way to live. Nobody should be afraid of his little bit of weirdness. Fear is altogether foolish. "You are very nervous!"
'Yes, come by all means and calmly tell me so! Thank you!'
That, or something like it, is what I'd say, having my gentle and courteous bit of fun. Let man be courteous, warm, and kind, and if someone tells him he's totally nervous, still there's no need at all for him to believe it."
(The above story was taken from New York Review Books Classics' Selected Stories: Robert Walser, March 2002, NYC)
Also, incidentally, as I wrote that story out to instrumentalist artists Balmorhea's record All is Wild, All is Silent, the seven minute heart-swell song "Truth" came on, and the combined effect of those two tasks was fucking exhilarating.
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